Imperfections

This morning I acknowledged that it is the imperfections that are interesting to me. I hope I can remember this as I seriously enter my 50th decade!

Maybe, though, this is not a new thing. I have always preferred local theater or high school productions to the perfectly polished Broadway-style professional assemblies. I am attracted to earnestness, soulfulness, lovingness, Loch Ness…

okay, I have not really been to Loch Ness but I imagine I would like it better than Lake Superior, if only because Nessie chose it first.

Poor Nessie. She must be so very lonely. Can you imagine being the last of your kind? I mean, it is hard enough to find someone of your own species who understands you, but then to not even have that commonality? I was feeling quite out of my element as I traveled through the southern portion of California. I could find so little connection with the people here that I encountered. This is a very unusual experience as I can connect with and small talk anyone. I mean, I am a professional at this back home! I have attempted to talk to many people and it has been like no one is home each time. There was one guy, when I was buying a replacement camera (why a replacement was needed is a story for another time) who, after about 20 minutes, finally looked me in the eyes but then went back to his internal world. I wonder if that is how Nessie feels? Maybe she pops her head up to try and find a soul connection but then all the camera flashing and hollering sends her back down to swim with the fishes.

Maybe we all need to read the Dr. Bronner’s label and take it to heart?

See, there was the digression again. This is supposed to be about how we need to embrace our so-called flaws because that is what makes us interesting. Without these beauty marks, whether they are on the inside or outside, we are just plain white walls. We do not require fixing, we do not need to wait for some future date  to be better, to lose those 10 pounds or close that big deal or buy the perfect house with the perfect mate. Full and authentic acceptance of our uniquely human imperfections is what makes us beautiful.

miracles everywhere

warning- this post is in raw form. it has not been edited for clarity or polished. the reader is warned. 🙂

you can live your life as if everything is a miracle or as if nothing is. albert einstein is credited with that enlightening phrase( and it doesn’t really matter whether he said it or not)

today, christmas eve, is the 56th birthday of my friend who took his life four days ago. i have been doing all the feelings we know and expect, grief, anger, and those heart-breaking I-shoulda/coulda. i should have tried one more time to (fill in the blank), I could have continued to be friends and maybe he wouldn’t have…
and i can argue that with myself in the same way a friend would. “You did all that before, you took all the guns away, you stayed on suicide watch, you called the ambulance and went with him to the hospital, but the truth is you cannot prevent someone from their intent on destruction.” Yes, I know that and yet sometimes those thoughts creep in. Maybe if I had been there more, he would have been able to get deeper into recovery and then he wouldn’t have…
Oh, the ego can get itself worked into a tizzy refusing to accept what is. I don’t know if I have my doctorate in denial but my credit hours are up there. and the sadness of thinking I could have done something, the guilt and shame of the could haves or should haves is choking and burdensome yet I was picking it up all on my own accord.
and today I am putting off getting up out of bed by checking a social media and i see a post by j. iron word “The truth is some people will never wake up no matter how many years they live.” which caught my attention as you may understand. and the post immediately following this post was also by j. iron word, “I love you baby.”
……….sniff…………….
sheesh, even in the retelling of seeing these two posts, the feeling of being seen and understood washes over me, seen and accepted in my frail humanness, seen and loved even when i mess up.
everything is a miracle or nothing is- i choose everything. and this message came to me from him. I need to remember that nothing i could have done would have prevented his death. and that he still loves me and is no longer bound by the fear and monsters and the walls he’d built in his mortal existence. He is with God and he is part of God, like Sandi, like Jesus.

and then i get up and am walking the dog on this cool and clear morning. It’s a beautiful and typical Gulf Coast Christmas with just a few clouds in the sharp blue sky. and i am breathing and open and mindful and feeling the love that he has for me that he couldn’t express before. and i’m so glad it is early on Christmas Eve morning so the neighbors don’t see me crying as i walk the dog down the street. I look up into the sky and see a few wisps of clouds, and it is his face. His face when he concentrated, how he would chew on his cheek and draw his mouth into a sharp line, a forward slash across his very square jaw. and so i see the two puffy cloud eyes and then the strong slash of cloud mouth and I know, Michael has accepted his birthright of peace and wholeness.
and so, on this day of the anniversary of his birth, i am conscious of staying open to the miracles and grateful for knowing God. I am keeping my heart open to the pain of loss, to the miracle of our true identity of one with God and each other, and to the most important of all,
Love, real love, does not die.